Developer 1button released the F2P mobile platformer Mr. Jump less than a week ago, and the world was not prepared. The simple controls, bright colors and absolutely punishing gameplay made it the must-have title to download, the Flappy Bird of 2015.
The game is fun and addictive, but it will put you through the ringer emotionally until you are a beaten, bloody corpse of what was once a fun and engaging individual. Mr. Jump, like the bird before him, demands blood, sweat and tears, and he will extract them from you.
Oh yes, he will have his pound of flesh.
There are five distinct emotional highs you will experience during your time with Mr. Jump. As it happens, these rollercoasters of emotions just happen to coincide with Kubler-Ross model 'The Five Stages of Grief'.
Presented for you, here is the inner monologue of a typical mobile gamer, or, the Five Stages of Grief: Mr. Jump Edition:
1. Denial - "Hmm...this game got like six million downloads in the first four days of release. Let me check this out. They're saying it's really, really difficult. What do they know about difficulty? I beat Battletoads. Difficult ain't nothing! Kids these days, amirite? It's a free to play game, don't make me laugh! Haha, I laugh at you Senor Jumpo. Laugh, I say!"
Things go well. You might even get through the first level, but then the second level rears its ugly head.
2. Anger - "Screw this game! What do you mean just grazing the wall kills me? I totally made that double jump! Come on, Mr. Jump! You have one goddamn job: jumping, are you too good for jumping? Like hell you couldn't make that last one, you wannabe Mario [expletive] [expletive] of [expletive] [expletive]. I promise by the new gods and the old that I will I find where the three guys who made you live and they will die screaming."
At which point you throw the phone against the wall and take a long walk to the zoo to see a damn panda. Upon returning, you pick up your barely working device and bring it softly to your lips.
3. Bargaining - "Okay, Mr. Jump, I didn't mean it. But if we could just forget the past behind us and start afresh, I know we can make this next level. My thumb is ready, I've been working on applying exactly the right amount of pressure and I know your legs are well rested after all that jumping from earlier. We can get this. Okay! Let's go and - goddammit, Mr. Jump! One job! One job!"
Repeat stages 2 and 3 for as long as necessary.
4. Depression - "Is it even possible to get more than 50% on this level? God, I'm the worst. - No mom, I don't want to eat anything. Everything is terrible, god, don't you even realize? - I guess I'll just look at all these videos of people beating Mr. Jump and wish I was one of the cool kids."
And finally...
5. Acceptance - "Alright, alright, Mr. Jump, you crack dealer. You win. Do you hear me? You win. You want me to pay to unlock the next levels, fine. Okay. I'm buying a dozen keys to unlock everything. Congratulations. You're a tough game, you win. No, I never beat Battletoads and I guess I'll never beat you without a little help. Just take my money and go."
"I am vanquished."
You can download Mr. Jump via the App Store today. Buyer beware.
